"I hate you , then I love you; Then I love you, then I hate you;
Then I love you more,
For whatever you do
I never, never, never want to be in love with anyone but
you." - Celine Dion, Luciano Pavarotti
I was surprised to read
a statistic that 44% of sexual assault victims are under the age of 18. This means that 56% percent are adults.
Women are sexually abused
by their boyfriends and husbands (yes, husbands), by trusted friends, business
associates and family members. As girls
we are abused by our grandfathers, fathers, uncles, brothers, neighbors,
caregivers and family friends. I read
also that 93% of abuse victims know their abuser.
It would be nice if
sexual predators were strangers, disfigured monsters that we could spit at from
a distance and hate without reservation.
But what do you do when you love the person who hurt you?
Heartbreak &
Betrayal
They broke your
trust. They were supposed to look out
for you, to protect you, to keep you safe.
They, above all people were
supposed to respect you and care about you.
They were not supposed to destroy you.
There are many
heartbreaks in life, but none so profound as the breaking of a little girl's
heart when the man who is supposed to protect her, hurts her.
Most young girls never
heal, never learn to trust again.
Instead they spend their lives chasing the sense of security that they
lost and they just keep running into heartbreak and betrayal over and over
again because deep down they are really just chasing their abuser.
And it doesn't really
matter how old a woman is when she is sexually abused. The very act strips away her womanhood and
returns her to that place where she is a scared, powerless little girl sniveling
in a corner, trying to understand that which is incomprehensible.
Healing is about putting
your heart back together, it may always carry some scars but you will learn to
honor your scars and to stand tall in the lessons you've learnt. Healing is about learning to trust again and learning to love again.
Guilt
You caused this. You caused it by being provocative (even when
you were five years old). You caused it
by being rebellious. You caused it by
being in the wrong place at the wrong time.
You did the wrong thing, you said the wrong thing, you wore the wrong
thing. You caused it..well, just
because you did!
How cruel the voices
which we carry in our own heads and how viciously they flay us. How unremitting they can be, torturing us day
after day, year after year and we can't get away from them. Drugs, alcohol, sex, food, work, money, church
.. nothing helps, you can't run away
from the voices in your head!
Your abuser is the
one who made the wrong decision not you.
It really doesn't matter
if you were dancing on his lap half naked stoned out of your mind. He took the decision to take advantage of the
situation, whatever the situation was.
The burden of guilt
is not yours to carry. Let it go.
It is done, you've beaten yourself up enough, it's time to start
healing. As Jesus said to the harlot "woman,
thy sins are forgiven".
"In truth,
Guilt’s strength lies not in the failure of others to grant us forgiveness, but
in our failure to forgive ourselves.” - Kelseyleigh Reber
Shame
You still want him to
love you. You still want to run to him
and hug him, maybe even snuggle up on his lap and hear his heart beating. You want him to tell you that he loves you,
you want him to show you.
And you're ashamed
because you shouldn't want these things from
him. Maybe you start thinking that this
is why it happened in the first place, because something inside of you is so
broken, you brought this onto yourself.
Healing is about letting
go of the shame. It is about accepting what happened, accepting what you could or should
have done differently, accepting your own helplessness and absolving yourself
of the shame. Jesus said
when challenged for his forgiveness of the harlot "I say unto thee, her sins, which are many, are forgiven; for she loved much"
Hold onto your ability
to love. Above all love yourself, love
the person who abused you and allow yourself to love and trust others again.
Confusion
Do you ever look at your
abuser and think 'but he's such a nice guy'?
He's outgoing, he's
handsome he has people in the palm of his hand.
Or he may be shy and sensitive, the tortured poet. He may be hard-working and dedicated and
kind. He may be a policeman, a teacher,
a preacher even a priest. He may be so
many noble and admirable things. You
look at him and you see a beautiful soul and you love him.
How do you balance the
monster against the man. How do you hate
the monster and love the man?
Acceptance
You can't get from
him what he never had to give. I believe all abusers are broken themselves. They do not have within themselves that wholeness, that ability to love and be loved
unselfishly. The abuse is their way of
running from their own demons, a salve to the wounds which they are still
struggling to heal.
In our minds our abusers
are so big and powerful. They hurt us so
much, they crippled our lives in so many ways, in our minds they are giants, we can't imagine that they too are somehow vulnerable.
Truth is abusers
are only human. They are
simply fragile, flawed human beings who chose the wrong way to deal with their
own pain. They have their own
battles to fight. And they will never
understand the enormity of what they have done to you.
When we begin to accept
our abuser's humanity, we begin to heal.
Forgiveness
"The soul that is unable to forgive is sentenced to an endless
purgatory where time stands still and it is forced to relive its pain over and
over onto eternity." - Embracing Prosperity By Changing Your Mind
In my book Embracing Prosperity By Changing Your Mind I have
an entire chapter devoted to forgiveness.
I believe the single most important thing an abused woman can do to help
her own healing is to forgive.
- nitesoul.wordpress.com
“When
you initially forgive, it is like letting go of a hot iron. There is initial
pain and the scars will show, but you can start living again.” - Stephen
Richards
First and foremost you
must forgive yourself. It doesn't matter
how many ways you can find for blaming yourself, it doesn't matter how many
things you have told yourself, or other people have told you, you can forgive
yourself. You must forgive yourself.
- nitesoul.wordpress.com
Then you must forgive
your abuser.
“When you hold
resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an
emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to
dissolve that link and get free.” - Catherine Ponder
The anger, the frustration, the resentment, the fear
which we hold inside kills us slowly. It
poisons our hearts, our minds, our spirits and our bodies. It leads to depression, heart disease, high
blood pressure and cancer. It is like a
slow acting acid that eats away at our very souls.
To neutralize it's effects we must forgive the one
that hurt us. There is no other way. I
can't promise that it will be easy. I
can't promise you'll do it one time and be done with it. But I can promise that it will set you free.
"Forgiveness is opening the door to set someone
free, and realizing that you were the prisoner"
- Max Lucado
Finally, you must forgive
everyone who was involved or who knew about the situation and failed to make it
right. There are so many dynamics at
play here, so many reasons why so many failed to do what you needed them to do. Like your abuser, they too are human. They make mistakes, they fail us. It is pointless to hold grudges, if you are
to be free you must freely forgive and release everyone involved.
"I fully and freely forgive everyone for everything,
real or imagined, known or unknown, in all dimensions of time and space and I go
free..." - Catherine Ponder
If you work at it you
will one day get to the place where you can look at your abuser and say "I
love you" and the "I hate you" will be irrelevant. When that day comes you will know that you
are truly free.
Inspiration Link
* I am in no way
affiliated with the sites that I link to here.
The messages presented are in alignment with the thoughts presented in
this post and they have inspired me, I hope that they will inspire you too.
Forgiveness And LoveConquers All - Stephen Richards :
Author’s note
This is the second of a
two-part post on healing from sexual abuse.
Part One is "When The Pain Runs Too Deep To Heal".
The post is inspired by
Section 2 of my book Embracing Prosperity By Changing Your Mind – Release The Negative. I dedicate several chapters to the issue of
healing because it is the most important part of changing your mind. I also dedicate an entire chapter to the
subject of forgiveness and walk
you through activities and exercises to help you with the process.
I hope to persuade you that your pain can heal and
forgiveness is the most important step in your journey to healing.
It would be my pleasure
to share a free gift with you, if you would like to receive an excerpt from my
book just click here and mention the topic 'Forgiveness'.
If you liked this post I
would be so appreciative if you would spread the word, Share
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I would also be
delighted to hear your feedback so do not hesitate to leave a comment if you so
desire and be sure to come back for more as I walk you through some of the
lessons and exercises from my book.
I bless you, I bless
your journey and I am so happy to be a part of it.
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